Inside...

So I've been doing some thinking. Unfortunately when this happens, nothing good comes out of it, or something good does happen but I still feel like shit for it. WELL, anyways... Back to business.

I've been thinking a lot about my relationship with Elliott lately. Like where is it going? What's going to happen in the next few months...weeks... years... I can't help but be consumed by this absolute dread that I feel in my heart. Like something terrible is going to happen. Like he's going to leave me, break my heart into many tiny pieces when I just finally managed to put it all back together. Ugh. Or worse, like the three fates will kill me before I get to even see his face, or worse kill him. I don't think I could survive another tragedy like that. No way in hell could I, and I know this for a fact.

And so here I sit, in front of my home computer, pouring my heart and soul into this little nonsensical blog, that I'm pretty sure no one reads, and basically fussing about it. I can't stop worrying, seriously. I guess that's probably because of my anxiety problems, or just because of the fact that I have been hurt in the past before. Sometimes I can't even figure it out. REALLY! And you would think, above all people, I would be the one person to best know myself. Well there's where you're wrong.

I've been stressing over everything lately. I really don't know what in the world to do anymore. It's getting rougher every day more I'm here on this planet. But no one said life is easy right? Agh. *grabs her head and shakes it* I'm not even sure if blogging is going to help me in the long run. Maybe I should just keep all this shit inside and in my black little book. That way the world doesn't have to share my pain.

Night.

Without a Trace

Okay so here's a bunch of random crap for you. Or rather, just because I'm bored at the moment, I shall show you a long list of things that are currently missing from my possession, lost somewhere in the black hole that is my room, or somewhere in the depths of organizational hell that is my home. And to be more specific, I will list them in categories! WEEE! Fun times, yes, fun times.

Missing CDs:

• Christina Aquilera: Stripped

Missing Games:

• Monster Rancher (breeder, for advance)
• Golden Sun: The Lost Age (for advance)
• Katamari Damacy (for Ps2)
• Star Wars Lego Adventure (for ps2)

Missing Movies:

• Jumanji (VHS)
  
• The Ring (VHS)

Missing Systems:

• An iPod nano (metallic pink in color, and the older version)
• A pink game boy advance
• an artic purple game boy advance
• a gray nintendo gamboy
• A see through purple game boy color

Missing Manga:

• Ayashi no Ceres (Ceres: Celestial Legend) Volume Four
• Earthian Volume 3
• Several volumes of Vampire Game

Missing Computer Games:

• The Crystal Key
• Sims Tycoon: Zoo

Missing Everyday Needed Items:

• At least two pairs of prescription glasses
• At least two or three toothbrushes
• One stick of deodorant
• One tube of toothpaste
• One digital, water-proof, sports wrist watch
• A set of iPod head phones
• A pikachu hair scrunchy

Missing Art related items:

• Several (at least ten) nice quality mechanical pencils of either .7 or .5 type.
• At least three pencil sharpeners
• An art knife (a non retractable exacto knife)
• Two gummi erasers
• A few prismacolor colored pencils in various shades
• Several inking pens
• Two complete (and the same set, bought twice) of artist drawing pens (old style, pen and nib)
• A bottle of black pen ink
• Several drawing pencils (of different hardnesses)
  
• Several rulers
• T square
• Two sided tape
• A glue stick
• Funky blade design scissors
• Several art sketchbooks
  
• Several important pieces of art I created
• Several art markers (of which the production has been discontinued and which I cannot get in that color again, specifically pink and other flesh colors. )

Missing Storage Devices:

• My 125mb portable usb drive
• One cd case
• Several cd cases
• Several Game cases

Other various missing items:

• Countless pieces of Jewelry
• Various stuffed animals
• Two Gundam Models
  
• A typewriter
• A trac Phone
• Several pairs of sunglasses
• A pair or two of shoes
• Several various t-shirts
• At least two pairs of pants
• A leather choker, spiked with spikes
• two issues of Shojo Beat
• Several Floppy discs with awesome fictional stories on them, as well as old pictures
• one or two spoons, a knife, and a couple forks
• A couple measuring cups
• two sets of custom vampire fangs
• A prom dress
• A pair of slippers
• A robe
• Countless numbers of pennies and loose change
• School id's
• Notebooks
• Cards from the card decks...

Okay, enough... I think I could probably go on about the things missing in the house for days... No lie. Things often get misplaced in the house and are crammed into little niches or stacked within large stacks of papers/magazines. Meh, at least I found my prismacolors 48 pack, I would have died if I hadn't found that. Now if I could only find my damned iPod! >.>

Hmmm...

Onto something different.

I'm finally setting up the newer computer in the house, and because of this I will be without internet from home for a week or two, all depending on when dad is able to set up the appointment for Verizon to come and set up the wireless. He says he will be calling them tomorrow about that. I can finally look on dA and go OMG! I CAN SEE THAT PICTURE! At the moment I have the new monitor hooked up to the older hard-drive on which I have internet access through. The old monitor was so dark it was crazy sometimes, I could barely watch videos on that thing, let alone see a picture in its true colors. Gee. Well it does help to make this computer more tolerable now that I can actually see the daily deviations. So I'm hoping that it won't be a long while before having the wireless hooked up, because I'm not sure my blogger side to me could handle it. Let alone, just to use the nets on my laptop would result in me going at least two miles to downtown and using the library's wireless internet. I normally use the UW's internet, but now they have a security function on it, and it was working fine a couple weeks ago, but now it won't let me on when I use my school username and password, like it had a couple weeks before. So... meh, I'm just hoping I won't be without internet at home for a month. I doubt I could stand that. I NEED THE COMMUNICATION, mainly because, NO ONE CALLS MY PHONE! EVEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR!!!

*deeply breathes in and then lets out a loud sigh*

So yeah, not much else to talk about other than that and that FA is back up and running again, which is a good thing, because now I can upload art onto FA again. Meh...

I'm gonna head out of here until I have something to talk about that isn't related to romance, love, or my boyfriend. Or maybe even then, meh, later! Ja ne!

Issues underlay my happiness....

So it seems, that every time I settle into the role of a King's Queen, or into the role of a good fellow's new girlfriend, that a new knight decked in armor and what not, comes marching along. And the shining gleams of his armor catches my eyes. This problem always arises, and it's driving me insane. I'm sick of new boys marching up to me and offering themselves and a relationship or bringing up old problems or what not, when I'm perfectly happy with whom I'm with. Sure in the past, the gleam or promise was enough to rip me away from the current relationship a few times, but now a days it utterly annoys me like nothing else. Especially the black armored knight named David Mueller. ARGH! Talk about enough confusion, problems arising, and stress to make me break down and want to pull out all of my hair with my hands.

That man is enough to drive me past the brink of insanity and into the depths of despair, all by himself lonesome self. DAMN! I've just about had enough of him, if it weren't for the fact that he needs some help in his life I'd be gone, but... argh. You know what? I honestly don't see the point in trying to point him in the right direction anymore. He's way past gone of the point of being saved by anyone. And yet, he says there are girls that want him. But hey, I wanted him at several thousand points in my life too, but then I woke up, opened my blind eyes to see what he really was. Bakemono. Monster. Manipulator.

Enough is enough. I'm officially calling it quits on that hope to saving just a little bit of him, he was too far gone the first time around anyways. Hear this David. It's over, you got your way, and now I hope no one gets dragged in like I did. Have fun, finding your own damn way without any light in your life.

I'm finally happy like I was then, or at least it seems that way, in a way or two. I mean, I can actually stand looking at myself in the mirror again, I'm painting, and hell above all things, I'm actually blogging or writing in my journal on a nightly basis. Can we say that Claire is finally healing? I'd strike that as a yes of great importance. Mainly, because I'm back to someone I used to be, in other's eyes, and in my own. Yes, I am still having anxiety attacks, bouts of depression, and times that suck, but overall, my mood has to be described as nothing but fantastic. Heck, I think I was even singing loudly in the shower today... Been a while since I belted out vocal progressions in the bath.

I had an anxiety attack today, it was god awful. I haven't had one in ages, and to top things off, I even TOOK my MEDS today, so I have no flipping clue as to why I was able to have a horrible anxiety attack. It wasn't like the ones I used to have, but still it was bad enough for my entire mood to be ruined and for me to have to scream into a pillow in order not to cry. I feel so bad for my boyfriend though, he had to hear my muffled screams, and deal with my frustrated person. I feel so incredibly bad now, it's not even remotely funny. Not that that would ever be funny, but meh. But this all came about because I had to finish several job applications, and I kept SCREWING UP! It was so frustrating that I distinctively remember chucking the pen all the way across the kitchen, where it proceeded to hit the garbage can, and then I tore up my applications. Talk about a bad two hours. All of that for nothing. Now this means that I have to go all the way down to the damn mall again and ask for more damned applications. UGH! Why can't more businesses have online applications, it's way more convenient and way more practical amongst other things. This whole looking for a new job thing is becoming way too stressful. Let alone, after I sat down and tried to get rid of my anxiety attack the heart palpitations started up. I normally have those now a days instead of stupid aggravating anxiety attacks. BUT NO! I had to have a damn anxiety attack and then as the attack calmed down I had to have palpitations as well! I mean come on! Give me a break, and not of that Kit Kat Bar...

So I channeled everything wrong with me at that point and sat in front of an empty canvas, and attacked it with my pallet knife and mixed oil paints. After several hours, which it should have taken less but a friend called to talk with me about his commissions and kiriban artwork that I am going to do for him, I finished. I swear to god that it looks like I ate a bunch of oil paints and puked them up onto the canvas. And so the title of it will be "The Sickness" as because I painted it when I was breaking down and having anxiety problems, guess the colors of my anxiety and worries are nasty ones. Pallet knife painting is quite fun, specially when the layers get thick and the paint thick too! But to say the least, I'm always happy with the outcomes of my Gesture paintings, after all they are pretty much paint guided by emotions in my case that is.

*yawns* I totally am not yawning and I'm totally not even tired, but I'm still yawning. >.> Not cool but hey, it's only natural is it not?

I applied to the area Petco on Sunday, via internet application. I applied because I figure if I have to take on a full time job, might as well do it in a job that involves something that I love and/or am passionate about. Petco being an animal and animal supply chain. Meaning I would get to work with animals and help people with animal issues and ect. Basically, I could really dedicate myself to this job with a great amount of excellence in my performance and work detail. I just wonder though, if they will even call me, mainly because I was terminated from my last job from missing too much work, all because of a chronic illness that and my previous work employers had a policy that stated I could only be sick three times maximum a year. Which is absolutely retarded, but I'm not really going to go into talking about that now.

Ever wonder why? Why? why? why?

Excuse my retarded mind butting in there. I'm just a little out of it, maybe, not even maybe. It's probably just me trying to figure out what to talk about next. *sighs* Meh...

So I pretty much feel a lot older than I really am. I feel like I'm about to turn thirty years old when in fact I have yet to turn twenty-one. I feel like if I don't marry tomorrow, and become pregnant later tomorrow, that my only chances will have had passed me by like a car on the street. It's scary at times, how much I feel like this. Is it because I'm just yearning to be independent already but am failing to do so in certain ways? Who knows really. Because you know, I sure as hell don't know. But still, it could always be that fact that my largest goal in life is to settle down, marry a man who loves me as much as I love him, and bear children to him. Hear little footsteps running up and down the hallways and to hear whispers of "I love you"'s for a long time. Is it okay to want this so badly, that I would do anything to have it? I mean... Is it really that bad to want this kind of thing? Is it bad to hope for some man to come along that will stay past three years, become my longest relationship, and then one day go down on his knees and propose? IS IT BAD? Because with all my heart, I hope that it isn't. That I'm not being silly at all for wanting something that is in fact really simple. Oh well, I think it's time for me to go to bed. Ja ne!