. . .

Oh joys, got the rag today. Finally. I need to lose some weight or otherwise I'm never going to be able to keep track of this thing. I mean seriously...

Oh well onto a different subject. So I've been lazy the last two days, not really wanting to get up, I've been more tired than usual. But the above is most likely to explain that part of my health for the time being. Grandma said that the christian bookstore in town, down on 3rd, is looking for part time help. Tomorrow I have to go down there, either via my bike or via a ride from my grandmother. Just got to make sure they don't come onto the fact that I haven't visited a Sunday mass in years, and that I'm not exactly Christian anymore, I'm wiccan. XD Although I could sue if I was fired from there just because I was not Christian. Lol. Whatever. I have to remember to go down to the mall again and pick up more applications. After all, I need to find a job soon, otherwise I will have no money to spend at Daisho-con, let alone any money to buy the stuff I need to make my Kiba Inuzuka and Nami Onneko outfits.

Wow, amazing, why is it that we always give out the best advice to others, that would work wonders for us, but is also the hardest to follow? Sucks, a lot. Just gave the boyfriend a talk about how he can't act like a kid and pfft education, and my reasons behind it. But now I just kind of feel bad for telling him that, because had it been on the phone, I know he wouldn't have any hearing left in either ear, and neither would his mother, that and I probably wouldn't have been able to shut up until something truly bad was said and then I really wouldn't be able to forgive myself at all. I hate getting angry like that, I'm glad that the cat wasn't in my lap either, or she'd be dead from being squeezed to death as I stared into her little eyes. And I'm glad my mother hadn't bugged me either, or she probably would have gotten a very large thick plastic water bottle chucked at her head. Note to anyone, I REPEAT: ANYONE, reading this, do not anger me, piss me off, irritate or aggitate me in any way, especially when I am in the bleeding cycle, your ass will be mine and your brain will be assaulted with hurtful things, most truths and I do not hold back. Piss me off and you will pay.

Now, back to what I was origi... Damnit, now I feel bad again. Fucking A.

I'm giving up on this for the night. *groans and goes off*

I Promise....

Today, I promise,
No I make this promise,
All to myself.
No more backing down,
No running away,
No leaving with excuses,
When I know I’m the one to blame.

I promise,
To see myself for who I truly am,
To no longer break down,
And give in.

I promise,
To love myself,
And to see beauty in my mirror,
When every new day begins.

I promise,
To embrace those who are broken,
To be a stronghold,
Keeping them safe in my arms.

I promise,
To see the reality,
When I begin to get gloomy,
And to look at the glass,
And see it as half full.

I promise,
To never give up,
And never procrastinize,
And to finish what I start.

I promise,
To fix myself,
So that I may enjoy my life,
And others can enjoy it as well.

I promise,
To be a better person,
To be happy,
And healthy,
Like I used to be.

I promise,
To burn those letters,
For they are holding me back,
And I know now,
He won’t be loving me again.

I promise,
To not focus on the past,
To look forwards to the future,
And to live each day as if it was my last.

I promise,
To be kind,
And gentle,
To everyone I meet,
Whether they have hearts of stone,
Or hearts light as feathers.

I promise,
To be committed,
To stick with things,
To stay firm and strong.

I promise,
That I can laugh,
At even the stupid jokes,
That I used to groan at.

I promise,
To get along with my mother,
And talk to my sister more than once a month,
And to help my father out when he needs it.

I promise,
To not take life for granted,
And to see myself as blessed,
And lucky.

I promise,
To make it all worthwhile,
To make sure that everything is enjoyable.

I promise, to the man I love,
I will love him forever,
And never let go.

And I promise,
That I won’t ever,
Break these promises.

Birthings and Just plain Anxiety

Okay so I'm going to first talk about how much anxiety I'm going through at this very moment. It's because of a bad feeling I had last night in an almost perfect state of relaxation and contention. And it is currently back and driving the pit of my stomach, my center, crazy. To the point that I almost feel as if, it were to get any worse, that I would double over, crying, and have a massive panic attack most likely accompanied by a ten minute session of heart palpitations. Freaking a, I'm so stressed right now that I, not only want to puke, but want to scream my lungs out and just cry a million tears, over and over again. That or punch something. I'm doing my best not to snap at others and shit, but it's really hard to do such a thing when you're concentrating almost everything you have, on trying not to have a freaking anxiety attack. Seriously. My hands were shaking pretty badly a while ago, but now they aren't as bad, and to attest that is my lack of corrections needed with my grammar and spelling for this blog. And to make things a little worse is that I keep trying to breathe in deeply and I can't kind of like I can't access the deepest parts of my lungs, and it makes me feel like I'm going to fucking suffocate and pass out from lack of fresh air. Today has been so stress ridden for me, and I could really use a voice of reason that doesn't sound like Brittany at the moment. Preferably Elliott, considering it was my extreme worry for him today that brought all this on. I mean a nice talk over messenger would ease me a little, but even more so would a talk with him on the phone, all so I was sure he was okay... I don't think it will go away otherwise... I'm not even sure. I haven't had this much anxiety at one time in a long time. I'm not even sure I can talk about the absolutely wonderful dream I had last night, mainly because I don't think anyone would care at the freaking moment. Not that anyone wants to hear about my dreams, perhaps not even Elliott. Well if anybody actually does want to know... Then you're going to have to track me down and ask me yourself. Because I sure as all hell AIN'T telling you here. I'll just say that it had to with birth...and pain...

Whatever...

God, now I'm starting not to care, does anyone give a fuck? Fucking anxiety... I even took my freaking anti-depressants today, which held off the anxiety up until a few hours ago, when I had to finally set my PS2 controller down and stop playing Resident Evil: Outbreak File 2 (I was on the END OF THE ROAD stage, trying to beat it as YOKO) because I was freaking out way to fucking much and my hands were shaking too much and I couldn't stand it at all. And I'm pretty sure that I'm going to have a fucking nightmare tonight if this horrible fucking feeling doesn't dissapate before I get tired and pass out and end up sleeping. So basically all I have to comfort me at the moment is a fucking blog, which isn't helping me out very much at all. It's almost moot typing about the fucking thing happening to me at the moment. Ugh, I really do feel like someone has torn open my insides and is using a stick to twirl my insides up around it, like spaghetti on a fork. God, my whole center is radiating with this wretched pain, I do believe I'm going to cry soon...

God I need to go... no more... no more...

I can't fucking take this....

Ugh...