Birthings and Just plain Anxiety

Okay so I'm going to first talk about how much anxiety I'm going through at this very moment. It's because of a bad feeling I had last night in an almost perfect state of relaxation and contention. And it is currently back and driving the pit of my stomach, my center, crazy. To the point that I almost feel as if, it were to get any worse, that I would double over, crying, and have a massive panic attack most likely accompanied by a ten minute session of heart palpitations. Freaking a, I'm so stressed right now that I, not only want to puke, but want to scream my lungs out and just cry a million tears, over and over again. That or punch something. I'm doing my best not to snap at others and shit, but it's really hard to do such a thing when you're concentrating almost everything you have, on trying not to have a freaking anxiety attack. Seriously. My hands were shaking pretty badly a while ago, but now they aren't as bad, and to attest that is my lack of corrections needed with my grammar and spelling for this blog. And to make things a little worse is that I keep trying to breathe in deeply and I can't kind of like I can't access the deepest parts of my lungs, and it makes me feel like I'm going to fucking suffocate and pass out from lack of fresh air. Today has been so stress ridden for me, and I could really use a voice of reason that doesn't sound like Brittany at the moment. Preferably Elliott, considering it was my extreme worry for him today that brought all this on. I mean a nice talk over messenger would ease me a little, but even more so would a talk with him on the phone, all so I was sure he was okay... I don't think it will go away otherwise... I'm not even sure. I haven't had this much anxiety at one time in a long time. I'm not even sure I can talk about the absolutely wonderful dream I had last night, mainly because I don't think anyone would care at the freaking moment. Not that anyone wants to hear about my dreams, perhaps not even Elliott. Well if anybody actually does want to know... Then you're going to have to track me down and ask me yourself. Because I sure as all hell AIN'T telling you here. I'll just say that it had to with birth...and pain...

Whatever...

God, now I'm starting not to care, does anyone give a fuck? Fucking anxiety... I even took my freaking anti-depressants today, which held off the anxiety up until a few hours ago, when I had to finally set my PS2 controller down and stop playing Resident Evil: Outbreak File 2 (I was on the END OF THE ROAD stage, trying to beat it as YOKO) because I was freaking out way to fucking much and my hands were shaking too much and I couldn't stand it at all. And I'm pretty sure that I'm going to have a fucking nightmare tonight if this horrible fucking feeling doesn't dissapate before I get tired and pass out and end up sleeping. So basically all I have to comfort me at the moment is a fucking blog, which isn't helping me out very much at all. It's almost moot typing about the fucking thing happening to me at the moment. Ugh, I really do feel like someone has torn open my insides and is using a stick to twirl my insides up around it, like spaghetti on a fork. God, my whole center is radiating with this wretched pain, I do believe I'm going to cry soon...

God I need to go... no more... no more...

I can't fucking take this....

Ugh...