I Promise....

Today, I promise,
No I make this promise,
All to myself.
No more backing down,
No running away,
No leaving with excuses,
When I know I’m the one to blame.

I promise,
To see myself for who I truly am,
To no longer break down,
And give in.

I promise,
To love myself,
And to see beauty in my mirror,
When every new day begins.

I promise,
To embrace those who are broken,
To be a stronghold,
Keeping them safe in my arms.

I promise,
To see the reality,
When I begin to get gloomy,
And to look at the glass,
And see it as half full.

I promise,
To never give up,
And never procrastinize,
And to finish what I start.

I promise,
To fix myself,
So that I may enjoy my life,
And others can enjoy it as well.

I promise,
To be a better person,
To be happy,
And healthy,
Like I used to be.

I promise,
To burn those letters,
For they are holding me back,
And I know now,
He won’t be loving me again.

I promise,
To not focus on the past,
To look forwards to the future,
And to live each day as if it was my last.

I promise,
To be kind,
And gentle,
To everyone I meet,
Whether they have hearts of stone,
Or hearts light as feathers.

I promise,
To be committed,
To stick with things,
To stay firm and strong.

I promise,
That I can laugh,
At even the stupid jokes,
That I used to groan at.

I promise,
To get along with my mother,
And talk to my sister more than once a month,
And to help my father out when he needs it.

I promise,
To not take life for granted,
And to see myself as blessed,
And lucky.

I promise,
To make it all worthwhile,
To make sure that everything is enjoyable.

I promise, to the man I love,
I will love him forever,
And never let go.

And I promise,
That I won’t ever,
Break these promises.

Issues underlay my happiness....

So it seems, that every time I settle into the role of a King's Queen, or into the role of a good fellow's new girlfriend, that a new knight decked in armor and what not, comes marching along. And the shining gleams of his armor catches my eyes. This problem always arises, and it's driving me insane. I'm sick of new boys marching up to me and offering themselves and a relationship or bringing up old problems or what not, when I'm perfectly happy with whom I'm with. Sure in the past, the gleam or promise was enough to rip me away from the current relationship a few times, but now a days it utterly annoys me like nothing else. Especially the black armored knight named David Mueller. ARGH! Talk about enough confusion, problems arising, and stress to make me break down and want to pull out all of my hair with my hands.

That man is enough to drive me past the brink of insanity and into the depths of despair, all by himself lonesome self. DAMN! I've just about had enough of him, if it weren't for the fact that he needs some help in his life I'd be gone, but... argh. You know what? I honestly don't see the point in trying to point him in the right direction anymore. He's way past gone of the point of being saved by anyone. And yet, he says there are girls that want him. But hey, I wanted him at several thousand points in my life too, but then I woke up, opened my blind eyes to see what he really was. Bakemono. Monster. Manipulator.

Enough is enough. I'm officially calling it quits on that hope to saving just a little bit of him, he was too far gone the first time around anyways. Hear this David. It's over, you got your way, and now I hope no one gets dragged in like I did. Have fun, finding your own damn way without any light in your life.

I'm finally happy like I was then, or at least it seems that way, in a way or two. I mean, I can actually stand looking at myself in the mirror again, I'm painting, and hell above all things, I'm actually blogging or writing in my journal on a nightly basis. Can we say that Claire is finally healing? I'd strike that as a yes of great importance. Mainly, because I'm back to someone I used to be, in other's eyes, and in my own. Yes, I am still having anxiety attacks, bouts of depression, and times that suck, but overall, my mood has to be described as nothing but fantastic. Heck, I think I was even singing loudly in the shower today... Been a while since I belted out vocal progressions in the bath.

I had an anxiety attack today, it was god awful. I haven't had one in ages, and to top things off, I even TOOK my MEDS today, so I have no flipping clue as to why I was able to have a horrible anxiety attack. It wasn't like the ones I used to have, but still it was bad enough for my entire mood to be ruined and for me to have to scream into a pillow in order not to cry. I feel so bad for my boyfriend though, he had to hear my muffled screams, and deal with my frustrated person. I feel so incredibly bad now, it's not even remotely funny. Not that that would ever be funny, but meh. But this all came about because I had to finish several job applications, and I kept SCREWING UP! It was so frustrating that I distinctively remember chucking the pen all the way across the kitchen, where it proceeded to hit the garbage can, and then I tore up my applications. Talk about a bad two hours. All of that for nothing. Now this means that I have to go all the way down to the damn mall again and ask for more damned applications. UGH! Why can't more businesses have online applications, it's way more convenient and way more practical amongst other things. This whole looking for a new job thing is becoming way too stressful. Let alone, after I sat down and tried to get rid of my anxiety attack the heart palpitations started up. I normally have those now a days instead of stupid aggravating anxiety attacks. BUT NO! I had to have a damn anxiety attack and then as the attack calmed down I had to have palpitations as well! I mean come on! Give me a break, and not of that Kit Kat Bar...

So I channeled everything wrong with me at that point and sat in front of an empty canvas, and attacked it with my pallet knife and mixed oil paints. After several hours, which it should have taken less but a friend called to talk with me about his commissions and kiriban artwork that I am going to do for him, I finished. I swear to god that it looks like I ate a bunch of oil paints and puked them up onto the canvas. And so the title of it will be "The Sickness" as because I painted it when I was breaking down and having anxiety problems, guess the colors of my anxiety and worries are nasty ones. Pallet knife painting is quite fun, specially when the layers get thick and the paint thick too! But to say the least, I'm always happy with the outcomes of my Gesture paintings, after all they are pretty much paint guided by emotions in my case that is.

*yawns* I totally am not yawning and I'm totally not even tired, but I'm still yawning. >.> Not cool but hey, it's only natural is it not?

I applied to the area Petco on Sunday, via internet application. I applied because I figure if I have to take on a full time job, might as well do it in a job that involves something that I love and/or am passionate about. Petco being an animal and animal supply chain. Meaning I would get to work with animals and help people with animal issues and ect. Basically, I could really dedicate myself to this job with a great amount of excellence in my performance and work detail. I just wonder though, if they will even call me, mainly because I was terminated from my last job from missing too much work, all because of a chronic illness that and my previous work employers had a policy that stated I could only be sick three times maximum a year. Which is absolutely retarded, but I'm not really going to go into talking about that now.

Ever wonder why? Why? why? why?

Excuse my retarded mind butting in there. I'm just a little out of it, maybe, not even maybe. It's probably just me trying to figure out what to talk about next. *sighs* Meh...

So I pretty much feel a lot older than I really am. I feel like I'm about to turn thirty years old when in fact I have yet to turn twenty-one. I feel like if I don't marry tomorrow, and become pregnant later tomorrow, that my only chances will have had passed me by like a car on the street. It's scary at times, how much I feel like this. Is it because I'm just yearning to be independent already but am failing to do so in certain ways? Who knows really. Because you know, I sure as hell don't know. But still, it could always be that fact that my largest goal in life is to settle down, marry a man who loves me as much as I love him, and bear children to him. Hear little footsteps running up and down the hallways and to hear whispers of "I love you"'s for a long time. Is it okay to want this so badly, that I would do anything to have it? I mean... Is it really that bad to want this kind of thing? Is it bad to hope for some man to come along that will stay past three years, become my longest relationship, and then one day go down on his knees and propose? IS IT BAD? Because with all my heart, I hope that it isn't. That I'm not being silly at all for wanting something that is in fact really simple. Oh well, I think it's time for me to go to bed. Ja ne!

Inasanly Jealous

Okay, so I don't know why I titled this blog this, but I just did. Maybe it had to do with the fact that I was talking to Elli-kun while I started to blog. HAH! Wyler critiquing my blog my ass...

Okay so I had a cute scene play out in my head last night and I figure I would write it down here, because one: I have nothing better to do, and two: I'm severely bored and thought this would bring me some kind of amusement. Ne? So cum shots and all their glory, here I start:

It's late outside, the stars are out, and in their full glory are burning brightly in the moonless sky. I'm on the balcony of my newest apartment, hanging over the edge of the railing, a cigarette held in between my index and middle finger. My forehead is resting on the wooden railing, between my overhanging arms, and I sigh. I had a rough day, as to attest why in the world I'm smoking a cigarette. I puff out a cloud of white smoke as I sigh deeply one more time. I lift my head up and stare at the sky, as if wanting something, my eyes saddening and I sigh once more. I lift the red glowing tipped cancer stick and place the filtered end to my lips, wrap my moist lips around the filter and press downwards with them. I pull in the hit with a sucking breath, pull the stick away and breathe in more air now, sucking the carcinogens into my lungs. I stare once more in a profound way, at the starry sky again. Then a few seconds later I force, with a loud resounding groan, the nasty smoke from my lungs in a large exhalation. My cigarette burned almost completely to the filter, I reach for another from a pack of Camels, I finger around in the case. I realize I only have three more left. I curse silently, as because I know, if something or someone doesn't stop me, I'll finish off that hard pack and open the new one that sits right next to it. As I go to pull out a new unlit cigarette from the pack, I feel a bit of shaking vibrating on the deck, and then I hear the sliding door behind me open. Then it shuts. I say nothing as he comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist. Being taller than me, means he has this single disadvantage, as he has to bend over slightly, his back arching, just so he can lay his chin on my shoulder and looks down at me reaching into the pack of cigarettes. Like a ninja he steals away the pack with a large hand, as my fingers barely have time to grip around the filter of a new cigarette, and he tosses them aside in a careless manner. "Elliott!" I grunt at him, in a pouting like manner. He grins at me as he has gained another victory. I turn my head upwards, as he has stood up properly now and looks down at me. MY eyebrows are furrowed a little and I'm pouting, then feeling the filter still between the fingers of my left hand I slyly sneak it into my loose pocket on my robe. I chuck the finished cigarette over the edge of the balcony as he twirls my body to face his and I squeal a little in excitement, and all he can do is grin. MY hands go to place themselves on his chest as he pulls me tightly to him now and I look up at him, in a defenseless manner. "You know I hate it when you smoke right? You're pretty much saying that you want to die early and therefore are opting to leave me before I leave you," he says in a deep tone of voice and slowly said. I pout again, knowing he is actually correct. And I look away from his eyes for a moment, my face still showing to him, but my eyes are averted. I look back, sighing now, and admit: "You win..." he smiles big at me in a kooky fashion but still, none the less, in a manner that could only make me smile back. "You had a rough day at work again didn't you," he speaks once more. "Yeah," I begin to reply, "But that was only the start of the day, later at lunch me and Brittany got into a fight that ended up with both of us storming off in our own directions... Today, just freaking sucked donkey butt!" I finish with a proclamation and a vivid expression upon my face. His smile fades a little as he takes a hand and strokes it through my shoulder length hair and calms me a bit. "I'm sure you two will be fine, just call her tomorrow morning and apologize like you two always do," he says as he continues to stroke my hair. I smile faintly, my eyes closed, surrendering to the calming feeling of him stroking his fingers through my hair and I try my best not to coo. "I should quit smoking, your a much better relaxer than those damn cigarettes Elli-kun," I say, my eyes still closed but I soon slowly open them and stare into his eyes. He smiles and chuckles a little, "I wouldn't be your boyfriend if I couldn't do that, now would I?" he says his voice a bit uplifted. "Yeah, you're right" I admit, as I nuzzle my face into his nightshirt, an old one, a soul caliber four one he had been lounging around in at supper time. I smile cheesily as he chuckles again, this time at my antics. He rests his left hand behind my head, resting at where my skull meets my spine and rests there. He directs my head, lifting it slightly to look at his face, leans in as he seems to want to kiss me. I naturally, close my eyes and part my lips only slightly. And that's when I feel piece of fruityness, that can only be gum of the freshening sort, get shoved into my mouth with his fingers. I open my eyes and bite down on the piece in disappointment and furrow my brows at him. He only chuckles, smiles cheesily, and takes off in to the apartment. I tear up and run after him. "OI! URUSENAI! MY BREATH CAN'T BE THAT BAD!!!!" .... End

Okay so that took way longer than expected to, so gomenesai to all who have been waiting anxiously to just read my blog. Which I doubt is probably only a boyfriend and his "editing" cat. It would end up being awesome if someday, by chance, I would gain a shit ton of followers, but only in my wildest dreams.

Alright, I don't have anything else to discuss as of now, so gomenesai and night night! Ja ne! *peace out*

Once upon a time...

I've always had these fantasies, about love, romance, almost anything... even the way I would die, if I had my way in what way I would want to go. It seems silly I know, but I think it's these fantasies that have kept my view of the world upbeat, and the view of the opposite sex positive. You may think I have my head in the clouds, maybe even higher, possibly up with the stars. But I will tell you this, I have faith. That maybe, just maybe, one day things like this will happen to me. I pray for those days to come soon, as I know, they'd probably save my sanity, what little I have left of it though.

I think I'll start out with the simple, easy to describe fantasies that I hold in my head and heart. To be specific about the way I would leave this life. If I had to go before the love of my life, I would want to go in his arms, there is no doubt about that in my mind. I want his face to be the last one I see before I depart. I want his voice to be the last one I hear in my ears before death takes me away. There's nothing more than that that I want, because the man I end up spending the rest of my life with, will be the closest thing to an angel that I will ever meet.

Oh god, I don't know where to go next, when discussing my fantasies. I mean there are some that I can sum up in a sentence or two, but some of them I think may take a couple paragraphs or so to discuss. They're just that involved.

My wedding day, I want it to be the wedding that I've always wanted. Outside, the leaves are just changing colors, vibrant bright colors, painting the background of my day. At the altar will stand my to be husband, anxious up the wazzoo, so nervous that he may even be sweating a bit by then. My father, wearing a tux will give me away, walk with me down that aisle. A veil will be over my face, concealing my face from my husband and the guests in the seats splayed out across the green grass. I'll be downed in white, In my hand I'll hold a bouquet of purple Irises and white roses, accented with white lilies and tied all together with red satin ribbons that trail in the wind. My trail will be carried behind me as I walk by two young girls, cute and smiling faces. As I reach the alter, you can see the look in his eyes, a look like none other. Such a unique look, that it's hard to explain. Then I take my place across from him, and we exchange our wedding vows, I'll be crying, but a smile will play on my lips and my eyes show such great emotions as I do. Then, he lifts my veil, we look deeply into each other's eyes, and he leans in, bending slightly, places his lips upon mine, and kisses me with such passion that it makes my heart stop. We're married, I'm finally married. And I couldn't ask for more.

My wedding night, will be like none other. He'll carry me over the threshold. In his arms, a place I never want to leave, I feel safe and secure, the way I've always want to feel in a man's arms. I hold onto him as he continues to carry me, up the stairs, into our bedroom. Candles are lit around the bedroom, white candles a few red ones. Rose petals white, pink, and red, lay scattered along the floor he walks upon. He looks down at me, says nothing, but tells a story of such love with a soft smile and the look in his eyes. I smile softly, and warmly back at him, telling him of my love for him with my brown eyes and softened face. He reaches the bed, and gently lays me down. He crawls on top of me, he kisses me for what feels like eternity, then his lips travel and explore. This night, we don't leave the house or our room, we spend every minute until dawn making love with great passion. 

I wonder if i should have discussed other fantasies before the wedding one... Hmmm, oh well too late now, because I sure as hell am not erasing any of that that I typed, took long enough with this retarded keyboard I'm on.

I dream constantly about waking up, to see him sleeping peacefully next to me, to see his relaxed state, and just watch. Then as he opens his eyes and sees me watching him, I smile softly and my eyes soften, and I lean in and whisper that I love him, into his ear.

He'll show up one day, unannounced. A knock on my apartment or house door, in his hand a single flower of great beauty. He'll barge in through the door and wrap his arms around my body, bend me over slightly, and kiss me deeply. Catching me off guard. He'll have took my breathe away and made my heart skip a beat by doing this. 

We'll be walking along, together, holding hands tightly and securely. We haven't exchanged a word in a few minutes, but we reach a crowded area with many people. And he stops and shouts at the top of his lungs: "I love this woman!" And I will blush furiously, but my heart will melt, because now everyone knows just how much this man loves me. He will then pull me to him, and kiss me passionately. Then as he slowly pulls away from what feels like forever, he'll place his mouth at my ear and whisper: "I'll love you always and forever."

We'll be walking along, in a bit of a hurry, and then it starts to rain. I will naturally stop, lift my head up and close my eyes, feeling every drop of rain hit my skin, the gifts from the clouds. He'll notice I have stopped, and he won't say anything but come close, hold me tightly and guide my face to look at his, then kiss me deeply. It isn't just one kiss, but as the rain pours down and drenches our clothing, we will stand there and continue to kiss several times.

It doesn't matter the place this time, but he will have written me a song, or perhaps a poem, and he reads it to me, whispering it in my ears with a deep voice, and then pull away and look into my eyes, his words melt me inside, and I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him. Then pull away and say: "I love it when you do that..."

He's there, when I need him the most,  cry so hard, my sinuses are plugged shut and I heave air through my mouth. But he doesn't falter, he stands strong just for me, his arms holding me so tight that it feels like he will never let me go, that he's telling me it's okay, that he'll always be here for me when I really need him. He kisses my forehead, then kisses away my tears, wiping the rest away with his finger, as he smiles at me faintly and then pulls me close to his chest again. I can hear his heart beat and it soothes me greatly. I calm and I relax from my horrible breakdown or sadness and I feel comforted to the point that my eyes get heavy and I fall asleep in his arms. He then carries me to bed, pulls back the covers, and lays me down gently. He then crawls in on the other side of me on the bed, and brings his body close to my back, his arms wrap around me and he holds me until he falls asleep as well.

We aren't living together, but he isn't far off, but if he is, then it doesn't matter. I call him at 2 am, wake him up, I'm crying, I've broken down yet again. His voice calms down and he speaks softly into the receiver on his end. I say: "I didn't want to call anybody but you. I need you here... " I tell him what's wrong. I hear him rustling on the other end of the line, and then a jingling of what may be keys. He then says: "Hold on, I'll be there soon..." and then as I sniff I hear his car's engine start and the radio of it turn on playing music. He says again: "Unlock your door and wait for me outside, Don't worry love I'll be there soon..." and then minutes or hours (depending on how far he is away) he'll pull into an empty space at my apartment's parking lot or into my driveway. And he'll bust out of his car, forgetting to close the driver's side door, almost having forgot to put the car into park, and he'll run over to me, full speed. When he reaches me he'll pick me up in his arms with such swift motion that I am a bit surprised. I press my face into his chest or shoulder, and I cry and he rubs my back, still holding me with such fierce protectiveness. And then he'll say: "I'm here now... "

He says: "I love you so much, that every day I can't help but fall in love with you all over again."

He says to me: "I finally found you, I've waited my whole life just to see you, taste you, hold you, and love you. And I never want to let you go, no, I promise I never will let you go, I will love you always and forever."

I won't admit that I've always wanted to be that princess rescued by that knight in shining armor, or that queen who has a king that loves her more than anything in the world. But he will know, and he'll sneak in words that make me widen my eyes, my stomach flutter with thousands of butterflies, my cheeks blush, and my lips part. I'll be his everything, his queen, his princess, his mate for life, and he will let me know this in words.

He'll do something to make me blush or give me butterflies every day that we are together, and when we marry, it won't stop, but he'll keep doing it, even when we have children together, he'll keep constantly doing things to make me smile, laugh, blush, or feel so loved that it makes me cry from joy.

God, I think it's time for me to stop, but I don't want to stop, I'm not even half way done... Really I'm not. Oh well. My hands are getting kind of tired anyways, and I'm starting to get a bit embarrassed, even though I shouldn't be. Perhaps I will continue this another day. But for now, I'm ending it now, so ... Ja ne!

Untouched

I have to say, that recently I have been in the best mood that I have been in in a long ass time. To be more specific, it's been a couple of years since I've been able to stare at myself in the mirror and not want to puke from what i saw reflected there. It's most likely all thanks to a single person. I haven't met him, but still... I know call me a fool, but he's only three hours away from me. He says a lot of things that make me smile, but let alone it all started just because i was intrigued by his character. The man's vocabulary beats mine with no problems, and makes other men look like beastly arrogant assholes. To say the least, he's got to be the most chivalrous man I have ever spoken with, mingled with, or met. And to be frank, I couldn't ask more any more. 

After all, they call me a princess, but he's the only one who actually makes me feel like one. And SUGOI! It's fantastic. I wonder right now if I'm jinxing our relationship by squealing about it in a blog... Maybe... Maybe not. I better not be, because like I stated before... I haven't felt like this in a long time. Long time, meaning, since him.