Today, I promise,
No I make this promise,
All to myself.
No more backing down,
No running away,
No leaving with excuses,
When I know I’m the one to blame.
I promise,
To see myself for who I truly am,
To no longer break down,
And give in.
I promise,
To love myself,
And to see beauty in my mirror,
When every new day begins.
I promise,
To embrace those who are broken,
To be a stronghold,
Keeping them safe in my arms.
I promise,
To see the reality,
When I begin to get gloomy,
And to look at the glass,
And see it as half full.
I promise,
To never give up,
And never procrastinize,
And to finish what I start.
I promise,
To fix myself,
So that I may enjoy my life,
And others can enjoy it as well.
I promise,
To be a better person,
To be happy,
And healthy,
Like I used to be.
I promise,
To burn those letters,
For they are holding me back,
And I know now,
He won’t be loving me again.
I promise,
To not focus on the past,
To look forwards to the future,
And to live each day as if it was my last.
I promise,
To be kind,
And gentle,
To everyone I meet,
Whether they have hearts of stone,
Or hearts light as feathers.
I promise,
To be committed,
To stick with things,
To stay firm and strong.
I promise,
That I can laugh,
At even the stupid jokes,
That I used to groan at.
I promise,
To get along with my mother,
And talk to my sister more than once a month,
And to help my father out when he needs it.
I promise,
To not take life for granted,
And to see myself as blessed,
And lucky.
I promise,
To make it all worthwhile,
To make sure that everything is enjoyable.
I promise, to the man I love,
I will love him forever,
And never let go.
And I promise,
That I won’t ever,
Break these promises.
28.8.08
26.8.08
Birthings and Just plain Anxiety
Okay so I'm going to first talk about how much anxiety I'm going through at this very moment. It's because of a bad feeling I had last night in an almost perfect state of relaxation and contention. And it is currently back and driving the pit of my stomach, my center, crazy. To the point that I almost feel as if, it were to get any worse, that I would double over, crying, and have a massive panic attack most likely accompanied by a ten minute session of heart palpitations. Freaking a, I'm so stressed right now that I, not only want to puke, but want to scream my lungs out and just cry a million tears, over and over again. That or punch something. I'm doing my best not to snap at others and shit, but it's really hard to do such a thing when you're concentrating almost everything you have, on trying not to have a freaking anxiety attack. Seriously. My hands were shaking pretty badly a while ago, but now they aren't as bad, and to attest that is my lack of corrections needed with my grammar and spelling for this blog. And to make things a little worse is that I keep trying to breathe in deeply and I can't kind of like I can't access the deepest parts of my lungs, and it makes me feel like I'm going to fucking suffocate and pass out from lack of fresh air. Today has been so stress ridden for me, and I could really use a voice of reason that doesn't sound like Brittany at the moment. Preferably Elliott, considering it was my extreme worry for him today that brought all this on. I mean a nice talk over messenger would ease me a little, but even more so would a talk with him on the phone, all so I was sure he was okay... I don't think it will go away otherwise... I'm not even sure. I haven't had this much anxiety at one time in a long time. I'm not even sure I can talk about the absolutely wonderful dream I had last night, mainly because I don't think anyone would care at the freaking moment. Not that anyone wants to hear about my dreams, perhaps not even Elliott. Well if anybody actually does want to know... Then you're going to have to track me down and ask me yourself. Because I sure as all hell AIN'T telling you here. I'll just say that it had to with birth...and pain...
Whatever...
God, now I'm starting not to care, does anyone give a fuck? Fucking anxiety... I even took my freaking anti-depressants today, which held off the anxiety up until a few hours ago, when I had to finally set my PS2 controller down and stop playing Resident Evil: Outbreak File 2 (I was on the END OF THE ROAD stage, trying to beat it as YOKO) because I was freaking out way to fucking much and my hands were shaking too much and I couldn't stand it at all. And I'm pretty sure that I'm going to have a fucking nightmare tonight if this horrible fucking feeling doesn't dissapate before I get tired and pass out and end up sleeping. So basically all I have to comfort me at the moment is a fucking blog, which isn't helping me out very much at all. It's almost moot typing about the fucking thing happening to me at the moment. Ugh, I really do feel like someone has torn open my insides and is using a stick to twirl my insides up around it, like spaghetti on a fork. God, my whole center is radiating with this wretched pain, I do believe I'm going to cry soon...
God I need to go... no more... no more...
I can't fucking take this....
Ugh...
Whatever...
God, now I'm starting not to care, does anyone give a fuck? Fucking anxiety... I even took my freaking anti-depressants today, which held off the anxiety up until a few hours ago, when I had to finally set my PS2 controller down and stop playing Resident Evil: Outbreak File 2 (I was on the END OF THE ROAD stage, trying to beat it as YOKO) because I was freaking out way to fucking much and my hands were shaking too much and I couldn't stand it at all. And I'm pretty sure that I'm going to have a fucking nightmare tonight if this horrible fucking feeling doesn't dissapate before I get tired and pass out and end up sleeping. So basically all I have to comfort me at the moment is a fucking blog, which isn't helping me out very much at all. It's almost moot typing about the fucking thing happening to me at the moment. Ugh, I really do feel like someone has torn open my insides and is using a stick to twirl my insides up around it, like spaghetti on a fork. God, my whole center is radiating with this wretched pain, I do believe I'm going to cry soon...
God I need to go... no more... no more...
I can't fucking take this....
Ugh...
25.8.08
The Wreckage
So I'm sitting here, solemnly smoking a cigerette after having yet ANOTHER dream about elliott. Jeeze now I can't even remember what happened in the dream, because after my friend's cats woke me up, I had a totally different dream. And you know me, I have the short term memory of a damned goldfish, and for the record, their memory has a total life of three seconds before they forget things. Sometimes I think about how lucky they are to be able to forget the horrible things and become happily oblivious. It makes me kind of sad that I'm a human too at times.
Oh well, I guess that comes with the territory of the curse of being a human being.
And now on to different things...
I'm a bit worried now a days. That every step I now take could end up screwing me over in the end. Seriously. It makes me want to cry sometimes because I see myself as such a fragile person now a days. I think about how strong I used to be, and I want to be her again. I'm sick of being this little weakling, and just want to move on. But sometimes it seriously becomes a bit hard on me. I'm so pessimistic, and I'm plagued with doubts and unwanted thoughts. I want to be different again. If I become stronger, I'm more likely to change the world I live in, right?
I'm at the crossroads still, and I still don't know which path to choose, where the said path I choose will take me. I'm scared of journeying down that gravel road, in the darkness, in the abyss, alone. I don't want to be scared, I don't want to be frightened. I want to be strong and complacent. My feet won't bleed, but I'm worried they'll become sore and tired, so it's nice to have someone on that same path as me, until then I might just be stuck here on the crossroads, unless, that is, I decide to challenge myself and do it myself.
Oh well. I think that's enough ranting and raving today.
Ja Ne!
Oh well, I guess that comes with the territory of the curse of being a human being.
And now on to different things...
I'm a bit worried now a days. That every step I now take could end up screwing me over in the end. Seriously. It makes me want to cry sometimes because I see myself as such a fragile person now a days. I think about how strong I used to be, and I want to be her again. I'm sick of being this little weakling, and just want to move on. But sometimes it seriously becomes a bit hard on me. I'm so pessimistic, and I'm plagued with doubts and unwanted thoughts. I want to be different again. If I become stronger, I'm more likely to change the world I live in, right?
I'm at the crossroads still, and I still don't know which path to choose, where the said path I choose will take me. I'm scared of journeying down that gravel road, in the darkness, in the abyss, alone. I don't want to be scared, I don't want to be frightened. I want to be strong and complacent. My feet won't bleed, but I'm worried they'll become sore and tired, so it's nice to have someone on that same path as me, until then I might just be stuck here on the crossroads, unless, that is, I decide to challenge myself and do it myself.
Oh well. I think that's enough ranting and raving today.
Ja Ne!
20.8.08
The conversation after you hung up....
Just thought, you might want to know what happened after you hung up last night. I'm sorry.... I have problems.... This was never intended to be put down here, in order to cause pain, anger, or inflict any emotion of great badness upon anyone. Specially you elliott, who are probably going to read this at some point or another. It was put down as a reminder to what I'm capable of going through, the hell in which i live. A reminder, no, a tesiment, to what i can be like at times. I'm sorry....
[01:22] claire: what i dont get is taht he called, obviously spotting that i was effing depressed, and he only stays on the phone for 14 minutes and then fucking gets off probably knowing fully damn well that i need to hear his voice for a little longer
[01:22] claire: GOED
[01:23] claire: FUCKING
[01:23] claire: MED
[01:23] sclaire: als;ekfdjposx;dlbmk,
[01:23] claire: 'i fucking hate this
[01:23] michael: *hugs and rubs ur back*
[01:23] claire: and now i have no one to talk to on the phoned
[01:23] claire: NO ONE
[01:23] claire: is awake now
[01:23] claire: >.>
[01:23] claire: FUCKING A
[01:23] michael : *hugs*
[01:24] claire: looks like im gonna go cry myself to sleep now, or not even that, i cant even sleep after crying...
[01:24] claire: god i fucking hate this
[01:25] michael: *pulls on ur hair* stop taking the lords name in vain girl
[01:25] claire: and then theres the point that i dont think he realizes how much it hurts me when he says he has to go to sleep when i really need to hear his voice
[01:25] sclaire: im complaining
[01:25] claire: not usin the lords name in vain
[01:25] claire: dangit
[01:25] claire: i'd be using other words
[01:25] claire: GOD
[01:25] sclaire: my cat doesnt even want me now either
[01:25] sclairei: I'm such a failure
[01:25] michael: ehhem
[01:25] claire: *bangs her head on the desk in front of her*
[01:26] claire: ...sorry
[01:26] michael : *pulls ur hair again pulling ur hair away from the desk* no, im here so stop it
[01:26] claire: yeah well, technically i guess you are, but that s not what i need at the moment
[01:26] claire: im just wishing some one would come save me already DAMNIT
[01:26] claire: *Grunts and furrows her eyebrows and stares off angerlily*
[01:27] michael : yea i know but friend with a shoulder is what u got for tonight
[01:27] claire: because i know for a fact taht im not capable of saving myself
[01:27] michael : well this is oneof the things u should ask him for or let me talk to him
[01:28] claire: i think im just going to go to bed and scream at the gods for cursing me with this wretched life, like i always do, then break down and cry, and then go numb, and all i can say is i hope therers nothing in my room i can use to cut myself with
[01:28] claire: after all i doubt anyone really is gonna try to save me, let alone attempt a good attempt at it
[01:29] claire: *grumbles under her breath*
[01:29] michae: *holds onto ur hair* nu ur not
[01:29] claire: how do i even know
[01:30] claire: i wont know until im numb
[01:30] michael : ur gonna sit up with me till u calm down and give me ur guys e-mail address
[01:30] claire: mau?
[01:30] claire: im supposed to give you his email addy?
[01:30] claire: wha?
[01:30] michael : u wont explain things to him so i will
[01:30] claire: *blinks a few times* when was this discussed?
[01:31] claire: yeah but that will just make me seem like a freaking loser...
[01:31] claire: wont it?
[01:31] michael : earlyer before us tarted complaining i said i would u didnt say anything about it, no it wont
[01:32] claire: ....meh...
[01:33] michael: *pulls on your hair* come on now im a saddist dont make me start smacking ya around to
[01:33] claire: the only fricking thing im really worried about is that he wont be able to withstand any of this, that all this will scare him and he will leave...
[01:33] claire: like the rest of them
[01:34] michael : u told them about wanting t be dominated and all or ur anger and depression?
[01:34] claire: and im pretty damn sure he will
[01:34] claire: ....
[01:34] claire: no just mainly the whole issues with my depression and my freaking being jaded and so worried all the time nad paranoid about being hurt
[01:35] claire: one told me: "I'm not the boyfriend you need right now, im sorry, im leaving,"
[01:35] claire: one tomld me: "People change and I dont love you anymore and you need to move on."
[01:35] michael: *hugs*
[01:35] claire: another told me: "you need to shut up alreadyt, its fucking anoyying and i hate hearing you talk about shit like this" and he left too
[01:35] claire: im just seriously
[01:35] claire: sick
[01:35] claire: of
[01:35] sclaire: it
[01:36] claire: and if i have to go through it one more DAMNED time, I' pretty sure that im gonna end my damned life
[01:36] michael : and ull end up just talking abotu ur depression for ont having what u need again instead of saying what u need so let me tell him
[01:36] claire: i would rather DIE
[01:36]clairei: than have to suffer through so much pain just to find somebody who could climb over that fricking ten foot high wall around me, and fucking stay
[01:36] claire: despite who i really
[01:36] claire: am
[01:37] michael : *hugs and rocks u gently*
[01:37] claire: which leads me to the point that i think the world is bullshit nowadays
[01:37] claire: i seriously question whats the fucking point anymore?
[01:37] michael : come on stop obessessing abotu thep ast now so u can think abt whats ahead
[01:38] claire: and searching for someone who's capable of sticking it through everything that i am, all the bullshit the depression, anger and god knows what else not, and stay with me
[01:38] claire: whats there to think about in the future if i cant get off of the past, the past has made me what i am now, an overly worried, insecure, scared, childlike, needy girl
[01:39] sclaire: and no one wants someone like that
[01:39]claire: no one wants to date someone who still sleeps with a teddy bear and baby blanket because of her issues with security,
[01:39] claire: no one wants to date someone whos protective like i am
[01:39] michael : some men do when they know they can do something abotu it he doesnt know what u need and u cant enjoy it ifu tel him so et me
[01:39] claire: no one wants to date anyone whos needy like i am
[01:39] claire: no one wants to have to say i love you to a person multiple times just to get them to feel happy
[01:39] clairei: NO ONE
[01:39] claire: NOT
[01:39] claire: OINE
[01:39] sclaire: FUKCIONG
[01:40]claire: PERSON
[01:40] michael : i do and other men do
[01:40] claire: bs, maybe you
[01:40] michael : *smacks ur face* shut the fuck up already
[01:40] michael : hhes still with u
[01:40] claire: but i seriously doubt a majhority of the human race
[01:40] michael: and im not going to let u just give up when u have a chance
[01:40] claire: yeah well its only been like four weeks
[01:40] michael : so let me talk to him
[01:40] claire: anything could fucking happen
[01:40] michael : yea well still letme fucking talk to him
[01:40] claire: he isn't even online anymore
[01:40] clairei: he wenty to fucking bed like i said earlier
[01:40] claire: >.>
[01:41] michael : well i can talk to him next time hes on after u stop bitchin and tell me what to use to contact him now stop complaining and tell me so i can help
[01:41] claire: ...fine
[01:41] claire: (email address omited for personal reasons)
[01:41] claire: theres his email addy
[01:41] michael: thnak you
[01:41] claire: ...meh
[01:42]clairei: i haven't a clue what you're going to say though
[01:42] claire: and i imagine he's going have a shit ton of questions for me after reading the email
[01:42] claire: let alone, i can already imagine him saying the same thing the last guy who left because he couldnt handle it
[01:43] claire: *in a mocking tone of voice that sounds nasaly* "I'm sorry but im not the kind of boyfriend you need right now, I'm Leaving Claire!"
[01:44] michael : *hugs* well u only talk abotu ur depressoinand yell and screamand talkbtu hurting urself and get very clingy he needs to no that he can just take u in his arms say shut up and kiss u and it'll melt away
[01:44] claire: which he cant even do right now even if he wanted to...
[01:44] claire: he's three hours away from me
[01:45] michael : still he can tell u on the phone its the authority u need u can survive without the physicla contact as long as he keeps u feeling in controll
[01:45] claire: and its not like he can just up and leave and come here, he only has his temps and he's in highschool still
[01:45] sclaire: ...ugh
[01:45] clairei: im not sure how much more of this i can seriously take
[01:46] michael: thats why u need to shut up abt it already girl
[01:46] claire: and imn sure that if i had any cigerettes left at the moment, I assure you that I would be smokin them
[01:46] claire: but i cant
[01:46] michael: *hugs* my fiance is like this
[01:46] michael : so u need ot listen to me shut up and let it go
[01:46] michael : think abt other things
[01:46] claire: this isnt even most of it, its just a large part of it
[01:46] claire: try and think about other things?
[01:46] claire: LIKE WHAT?
[01:46] michael: anything else
[01:46] claire: all the shit that has happened ot me lately?
[01:46] claire: aall the bs?
[01:47] michael : no stuff other then it
[01:47] claire: the horribkle things fate has done to me?
[01:47] michael : stop going in circles
[01:47] claire: the only good thing i have at this moment is Elliott, and even NOW, im scared shitless about it and cant even enjoy being in love with him because of everything thats inside of me that is keeping me from dooing so
[01:47] claire: *pounding so hard on the keys she wouldn't be surprised to break the boad soo*
[01:48] claire: ^soon*
[01:48] michael : u need to stop it
[01:48] michael : and dont tell me u cant
[01:48] michael : dont think u cant
[01:48] michael : just do it and u will do it
[01:48] michael : just stop
[01:48] michael : let it go
[01:48] claire: lket what go?
[01:49] michael : hes with u he wants to be with u the only thing that can stop it is u not shutting up about something that wont happen unless u cause it by not stopping this shit
[01:49] michael : everything ur bitching abotu
[01:49] claire: if i let go, people will get hurt, and then ui will feel even more sucky, more shitty, and worse and worse and worse afterwards
[01:49] michael : everything ur feeling bad abtu
[01:49] michael : let it go
[01:49] michael : dont let go of people let go of the bad things ur feeling
[01:49] michael: all ur doign is taking everything and finding a way to make it u hurting someone
[01:49] claire: but i cant because they come back every fucking DAY
[01:49] michael : stop it
[01:49] michael : stop it
[01:50] michael: stop it
[01:50] michael : let it go
[01:50] michael : every day just let it go
[01:50] claire: its not like i can cure myself of my depression and anxiety you know?
[01:50] michael : dont let it bother u its really as easy as just deciding u dont want to suffer
[01:50] claire: yeah im on meds, but that wont ever get rid of it
[01:50] claire: i dont want to suffer
[01:50] michael : then stop
[01:50] michael : hes with u
[01:50] claire: but every damn time i get happy something fucking happens
[01:50] michael : he wants to be with u
[01:50] michael : hes with u
[01:50] michael : because u make soemthing happen
[01:51] michael : because u keep saying soemthing will happen
[01:51] michael: u keeps aying they will leave until they do
[01:51] michael : u know what u want ur just to shy to say it so u make everything around u horrible so the right man will in ur fantasy appear and carry out of the hell
[01:51] michael : but men dont ride into hell for a damsel in distress they cant see in it
[01:52] michael: stop going nuts around him about loosing him
[01:52] claire: tahts because i hiude everything
[01:52] claire: im fucking scare shittless of letting people in
[01:52] michael : if u want to cling to him cling to him just dont cling to him and say i cant let u leave i cant live if u leave
[01:52] claire: even my own damn mother and father dont know the real me
[01:52] michael: then let them
[01:52] michael : is ur father a good man?
[01:53] claire: yes but nothing hurts me more than disappointing him, hurting him, or seeing him cry like he did when grandpa died or when he had to go to the group counseling sessions for my psych ward visit, and the sessions with my counseler
[01:53] claire: to be honest, i dont think anyone should "ride into hell" for me
[01:53] claire: really
[01:54] claire: i doubt im even worth it anymore
[01:54] claire: i
[01:54] claire: ...
[01:54] michael: yes you are
[01:54] claire: I don't even know who i am anymore...
[01:54] michael : im not listening to ur doubts
[01:54] claire: *starts to cry*
[01:54] michael : u are worht it
[01:54] michael : because u wont think abt who u are u just thinkg about anything bad u can
[01:55] claire: its like this beast is keeping me down you know?
[01:55] michael: when i talk to him and when i tell him i hope he reacts appropriately and if he does u cant do any of ur i dont know i dont think i can i dont think im worth it it shit with him
[01:55] michael : yes i know
[01:55] claire: like i cant fight back at all anymore likei was able to before...
[01:55] claire: *continues to cry*(
[01:55] michael : if he steps up like a man and gives u the order stop worrying ur mine u listen understand?
[01:56] claire: i dont even know... the only way i will know is if it happens
[01:56] claire: i cant predict the future
[01:56] claire: let alone how im gonna react anymore
[01:56] michael : no but its what u want and need when it happens u cant decide
[01:56] michael : u can accept what u need
[01:56] michael : or u can sabotage it
[01:56] michael : and it wont be any person any man to blame anyone to blame no 'gods' to curse
[01:56] claire: but i need so much
[01:56] michael : just u
[01:56] claire: i dont think anyones willing to give me what i need
[01:57] michael : u feel u need so mnuch u just need to be told and accept it
[01:57] claire: i dont need to be told, i need to be told and showed...
[01:57] michael : hes the one u've opened up to so he needs to be theman and tell u how ur gonna be and u need to be the good girl and listen
[01:57] claire: i need the evidence in order to believe
[01:57]claire: i need to hear it every fucking day
[01:57] michael: ull have tog o on faith and not smother him until hes able ot be there in person with u if u do want it
[01:57] claire: thats how i am
[01:58] claire: i doubt that much
[01:58] claire: i question that much
[01:58]claire: i worry that much
[01:58] michael : ur gonna need to go on some faith do u understand?
[01:58] claire: all because some fucking jack ass boy went and broke my heart after i truely learned how to accept another whuman being for who they truely were, to see past faults and love them to the core...
[01:59] claire: i have no faith in humanity anymore
[01:59] michael : dont sau u fear ull need tomuch admit the core of i
[01:59] michael: it&
[01:59] michael : not in humanity
[01:59] michael : in him
[01:59] michael : if he steps up to bethe man ull have to have somef aith in what he says until hes able to be ther einp erson
[01:59] claire: they lost that long ago, im an environmentalist, an animal lover, the only people i have faith in arent even people
[01:59] michael : say it
[01:59] michael: say u will
[01:59] claire: say i will what?
[02:00] michael : say u will have faith in him, nothing else no bullshit reasons excuses fears phobias concerns desires etc etc nothing but if he ssteps up as ur man u will have faith in it until ehes ther ein person and u wont smother him
[02:01] claire: but im already smothering him.... probably...
[02:01] michael : thats why u need to stop now, u went on with the bullshit again the shit that pushes people away
[02:01] claire: its so hard to let go
[02:01] michael : stop it and say what i told u to
[02:01] michael : stop it and say what i told u to
[02:01] claire: what that i will have faith?
[02:02] michael : however u want to put it, that u will not somther him with all ur bullshit from the past that u wont pester him with pairnoias
[02:02] michael: that u wont push im away and shut him out with all the constant whining abt the past
[02:02] claire: you know its so hard... so much of me wants to have this faith nad believe everything he says...
[02:02] claire: BUT MY FUCKING MINDE\
[02:02] claire: keeps butting in and saying NO
[02:02] claire: when my fucking heart is saying yes
[02:02] michael: well dont listen to it
[02:03] claire: its sooooo hard
[02:03] michael : just tell it to shut the fuck up
[02:03] claire: i....
[02:03] michael: u are the only thing stopping urself from getting better
[02:03]claire: just dont want to make the same mistakes anymore....
[02:03] michael: then stop blaming urself for ur past mistakes
[02:03] michael : and make a resolve not to repeat them
[02:04] michael lane: say it, say it out loud until ur not afraid of it
[02:04] michael lane: and i mean it litterally repeat it until ur not afraid to say it
[02:04] claire: i dont know if i can
[02:04] michael lane: i mean it litterally repeat it until ur not afraid to say it now
[02:05] claire: ...heres where i make a stupid smart ass comment about how i cant because i will wake my parents up
[02:05] claire: XD
[02:05] claire: sorry.
[02:05] michael: *smacks* dont have to say it loud they cant hear a thimbul drop say it low but say out aloud movfve ur lips make the words
[02:06] claire: ...you dont know my mother...
[02:06] claire: XDDDDDD
[02:06] michael : stop makgin excuses
[02:06] claire: seriously that women can hear anything at night
[02:06] claire: NO SERIOUS!
[02:06] claire: she doesnt enter rem, so shes very easily stirred
[02:06] michael : then go somewhere she wont hear u but u need to say it just like a drunk needing to admit their a alcoholic before they can stop being one
[02:06] michael: until u say the words
[02:06] michael: it wont stop
[02:06] claire: im not bsing it or making an excuse, im just saying that i cant say it righjt now
[02:06] claire: >.>
[02:07] michael: all the therapy the drugs all that stuff is just to get u to the point where u can admit it
[02:07] michael: well u have to say it sometime
[02:07] clairei: i know
[02:07] michael : 'i have a problem and i want to make it better"
[02:07]claire: my common sense is returning, and im going WTF why are we discussing this?
[02:07] clairei: im not an AA member
[02:07] claire: >.>
[02:08]clairei: I'm claire and I'm an alchoholic!
[02:08] claire: XD
[02:08] claire: sorrrrrry
[02:08] claire: im turning into a jackass
[02:08] michael: your not addicted to alcohol but pairnoia and fear and guilt and depression it is addicting when ur sad u dont want to be happy
[02:08] claire: im just tired of cheering myself up...
[02:08] michael : well ur not i am
[02:09] claire: really tired of it
[02:09] claire: ?
[02:09] claire: jhaha did you just say youre tired of trying to cheer me up?
[02:09] clairei: XD
[02:09] sclairei: sorry.... but if so... 9o laughed?
[02:09] clairei: ^i
[02:10] michael : i've wanted to smack u silly for some time now yes
but no need to get anyone turned on
[02:10] claire: im starting to feel better finally
[02:10] claire: >.>
[02:10] michael : im the one cheering u up this time not u
[02:10] claire: that doesnt turn me on
[02:10] michael : lolu said ur turned on by pain
[02:10] claire: it turns me off in fact
[02:10] claire: not that kind of pain
[02:10] claire: i said i was weird...
[02:10] claire: >.>
[02:11] michael: and, you said u liked pain that u were a massochist
[02:11] claire: I cant garuntee anything... but I will try my best to have faith in him....
[02:11] michael lane: *hugs* thanks
[02:11] claire: i think i should go to bed now...
[02:11] claire: i've probably caused you to pull out all your hair by now...
[02:12] michael : lol no just urs
[02:12] michael: lol
[02:12] clairei: its funny but i've had more serious convos with you than any of my irl friends...
[02:12] michael: sleep well
[02:12] clairei: and i have never even met you
[02:12] michael: aww ^ - ^
[02:12] michael: well its a habbit people have around me
[02:12] claire: its just strange ne?
[02:12] clairei: what?
[02:12] michael: this isnt the first time
[02:12]claire: going into the dark moods?
[02:12] michael: no
[02:12] michael: people opening up to me like that
[02:12] claire: [people do that to me, im always the listener...
[02:12] claire: i never get the chance to speak
[02:13] michael: people have told me that how suprisd they were to tell me things they never told anyone else before stuff
[02:13] michael lane: hehe *huggies*
[02:13] claire: o.O *gets hugged, still recovering, and in that " i dont really thin i want to be touched right now" mode*\
[02:13] michael : ok
[02:14] claire: im gonna go now...
[02:14] claire: i should be able to sleep now...
[02:14] michael : im sorry
[02:14] michael : good
[02:14] claire: night michael....
[02:14] claire: and
[02:14] claire: urm...
[02:15] clairer: *pokes her index fingers together and averts her eyes*
[02:15] claire: urm... thanks
[02:15] michael : hehe of course claire ^ - ^
[02:15] claire: night
[02:15] michael: night
And all I have left to say now is:
And you think you might be fucked up?!?!?!!
[01:22] claire: what i dont get is taht he called, obviously spotting that i was effing depressed, and he only stays on the phone for 14 minutes and then fucking gets off probably knowing fully damn well that i need to hear his voice for a little longer
[01:22] claire: GOED
[01:23] claire: FUCKING
[01:23] claire: MED
[01:23] sclaire: als;ekfdjposx;dlbmk,
[01:23] claire: 'i fucking hate this
[01:23] michael: *hugs and rubs ur back*
[01:23] claire: and now i have no one to talk to on the phoned
[01:23] claire: NO ONE
[01:23] claire: is awake now
[01:23] claire: >.>
[01:23] claire: FUCKING A
[01:23] michael : *hugs*
[01:24] claire: looks like im gonna go cry myself to sleep now, or not even that, i cant even sleep after crying...
[01:24] claire: god i fucking hate this
[01:25] michael: *pulls on ur hair* stop taking the lords name in vain girl
[01:25] claire: and then theres the point that i dont think he realizes how much it hurts me when he says he has to go to sleep when i really need to hear his voice
[01:25] sclaire: im complaining
[01:25] claire: not usin the lords name in vain
[01:25] claire: dangit
[01:25] claire: i'd be using other words
[01:25] claire: GOD
[01:25] sclaire: my cat doesnt even want me now either
[01:25] sclairei: I'm such a failure
[01:25] michael: ehhem
[01:25] claire: *bangs her head on the desk in front of her*
[01:26] claire: ...sorry
[01:26] michael : *pulls ur hair again pulling ur hair away from the desk* no, im here so stop it
[01:26] claire: yeah well, technically i guess you are, but that s not what i need at the moment
[01:26] claire: im just wishing some one would come save me already DAMNIT
[01:26] claire: *Grunts and furrows her eyebrows and stares off angerlily*
[01:27] michael : yea i know but friend with a shoulder is what u got for tonight
[01:27] claire: because i know for a fact taht im not capable of saving myself
[01:27] michael : well this is oneof the things u should ask him for or let me talk to him
[01:28] claire: i think im just going to go to bed and scream at the gods for cursing me with this wretched life, like i always do, then break down and cry, and then go numb, and all i can say is i hope therers nothing in my room i can use to cut myself with
[01:28] claire: after all i doubt anyone really is gonna try to save me, let alone attempt a good attempt at it
[01:29] claire: *grumbles under her breath*
[01:29] michae: *holds onto ur hair* nu ur not
[01:29] claire: how do i even know
[01:30] claire: i wont know until im numb
[01:30] michael : ur gonna sit up with me till u calm down and give me ur guys e-mail address
[01:30] claire: mau?
[01:30] claire: im supposed to give you his email addy?
[01:30] claire: wha?
[01:30] michael : u wont explain things to him so i will
[01:30] claire: *blinks a few times* when was this discussed?
[01:31] claire: yeah but that will just make me seem like a freaking loser...
[01:31] claire: wont it?
[01:31] michael : earlyer before us tarted complaining i said i would u didnt say anything about it, no it wont
[01:32] claire: ....meh...
[01:33] michael: *pulls on your hair* come on now im a saddist dont make me start smacking ya around to
[01:33] claire: the only fricking thing im really worried about is that he wont be able to withstand any of this, that all this will scare him and he will leave...
[01:33] claire: like the rest of them
[01:34] michael : u told them about wanting t be dominated and all or ur anger and depression?
[01:34] claire: and im pretty damn sure he will
[01:34] claire: ....
[01:34] claire: no just mainly the whole issues with my depression and my freaking being jaded and so worried all the time nad paranoid about being hurt
[01:35] claire: one told me: "I'm not the boyfriend you need right now, im sorry, im leaving,"
[01:35] claire: one tomld me: "People change and I dont love you anymore and you need to move on."
[01:35] michael: *hugs*
[01:35] claire: another told me: "you need to shut up alreadyt, its fucking anoyying and i hate hearing you talk about shit like this" and he left too
[01:35] claire: im just seriously
[01:35] claire: sick
[01:35] claire: of
[01:35] sclaire: it
[01:36] claire: and if i have to go through it one more DAMNED time, I' pretty sure that im gonna end my damned life
[01:36] michael : and ull end up just talking abotu ur depression for ont having what u need again instead of saying what u need so let me tell him
[01:36] claire: i would rather DIE
[01:36]clairei: than have to suffer through so much pain just to find somebody who could climb over that fricking ten foot high wall around me, and fucking stay
[01:36] claire: despite who i really
[01:36] claire: am
[01:37] michael : *hugs and rocks u gently*
[01:37] claire: which leads me to the point that i think the world is bullshit nowadays
[01:37] claire: i seriously question whats the fucking point anymore?
[01:37] michael : come on stop obessessing abotu thep ast now so u can think abt whats ahead
[01:38] claire: and searching for someone who's capable of sticking it through everything that i am, all the bullshit the depression, anger and god knows what else not, and stay with me
[01:38] claire: whats there to think about in the future if i cant get off of the past, the past has made me what i am now, an overly worried, insecure, scared, childlike, needy girl
[01:39] sclaire: and no one wants someone like that
[01:39]claire: no one wants to date someone who still sleeps with a teddy bear and baby blanket because of her issues with security,
[01:39] claire: no one wants to date someone whos protective like i am
[01:39] michael : some men do when they know they can do something abotu it he doesnt know what u need and u cant enjoy it ifu tel him so et me
[01:39] claire: no one wants to date anyone whos needy like i am
[01:39] claire: no one wants to have to say i love you to a person multiple times just to get them to feel happy
[01:39] clairei: NO ONE
[01:39] claire: NOT
[01:39] claire: OINE
[01:39] sclaire: FUKCIONG
[01:40]claire: PERSON
[01:40] michael : i do and other men do
[01:40] claire: bs, maybe you
[01:40] michael : *smacks ur face* shut the fuck up already
[01:40] michael : hhes still with u
[01:40] claire: but i seriously doubt a majhority of the human race
[01:40] michael: and im not going to let u just give up when u have a chance
[01:40] claire: yeah well its only been like four weeks
[01:40] michael : so let me talk to him
[01:40] claire: anything could fucking happen
[01:40] michael : yea well still letme fucking talk to him
[01:40] claire: he isn't even online anymore
[01:40] clairei: he wenty to fucking bed like i said earlier
[01:40] claire: >.>
[01:41] michael : well i can talk to him next time hes on after u stop bitchin and tell me what to use to contact him now stop complaining and tell me so i can help
[01:41] claire: ...fine
[01:41] claire: (email address omited for personal reasons)
[01:41] claire: theres his email addy
[01:41] michael: thnak you
[01:41] claire: ...meh
[01:42]clairei: i haven't a clue what you're going to say though
[01:42] claire: and i imagine he's going have a shit ton of questions for me after reading the email
[01:42] claire: let alone, i can already imagine him saying the same thing the last guy who left because he couldnt handle it
[01:43] claire: *in a mocking tone of voice that sounds nasaly* "I'm sorry but im not the kind of boyfriend you need right now, I'm Leaving Claire!"
[01:44] michael : *hugs* well u only talk abotu ur depressoinand yell and screamand talkbtu hurting urself and get very clingy he needs to no that he can just take u in his arms say shut up and kiss u and it'll melt away
[01:44] claire: which he cant even do right now even if he wanted to...
[01:44] claire: he's three hours away from me
[01:45] michael : still he can tell u on the phone its the authority u need u can survive without the physicla contact as long as he keeps u feeling in controll
[01:45] claire: and its not like he can just up and leave and come here, he only has his temps and he's in highschool still
[01:45] sclaire: ...ugh
[01:45] clairei: im not sure how much more of this i can seriously take
[01:46] michael: thats why u need to shut up abt it already girl
[01:46] claire: and imn sure that if i had any cigerettes left at the moment, I assure you that I would be smokin them
[01:46] claire: but i cant
[01:46] michael: *hugs* my fiance is like this
[01:46] michael : so u need ot listen to me shut up and let it go
[01:46] michael : think abt other things
[01:46] claire: this isnt even most of it, its just a large part of it
[01:46] claire: try and think about other things?
[01:46] claire: LIKE WHAT?
[01:46] michael: anything else
[01:46] claire: all the shit that has happened ot me lately?
[01:46] claire: aall the bs?
[01:47] michael : no stuff other then it
[01:47] claire: the horribkle things fate has done to me?
[01:47] michael : stop going in circles
[01:47] claire: the only good thing i have at this moment is Elliott, and even NOW, im scared shitless about it and cant even enjoy being in love with him because of everything thats inside of me that is keeping me from dooing so
[01:47] claire: *pounding so hard on the keys she wouldn't be surprised to break the boad soo*
[01:48] claire: ^soon*
[01:48] michael : u need to stop it
[01:48] michael : and dont tell me u cant
[01:48] michael : dont think u cant
[01:48] michael : just do it and u will do it
[01:48] michael : just stop
[01:48] michael : let it go
[01:48] claire: lket what go?
[01:49] michael : hes with u he wants to be with u the only thing that can stop it is u not shutting up about something that wont happen unless u cause it by not stopping this shit
[01:49] michael : everything ur bitching abotu
[01:49] claire: if i let go, people will get hurt, and then ui will feel even more sucky, more shitty, and worse and worse and worse afterwards
[01:49] michael : everything ur feeling bad abtu
[01:49] michael : let it go
[01:49] michael : dont let go of people let go of the bad things ur feeling
[01:49] michael: all ur doign is taking everything and finding a way to make it u hurting someone
[01:49] claire: but i cant because they come back every fucking DAY
[01:49] michael : stop it
[01:49] michael : stop it
[01:50] michael: stop it
[01:50] michael : let it go
[01:50] michael : every day just let it go
[01:50] claire: its not like i can cure myself of my depression and anxiety you know?
[01:50] michael : dont let it bother u its really as easy as just deciding u dont want to suffer
[01:50] claire: yeah im on meds, but that wont ever get rid of it
[01:50] claire: i dont want to suffer
[01:50] michael : then stop
[01:50] michael : hes with u
[01:50] claire: but every damn time i get happy something fucking happens
[01:50] michael : he wants to be with u
[01:50] michael : hes with u
[01:50] michael : because u make soemthing happen
[01:51] michael : because u keep saying soemthing will happen
[01:51] michael: u keeps aying they will leave until they do
[01:51] michael : u know what u want ur just to shy to say it so u make everything around u horrible so the right man will in ur fantasy appear and carry out of the hell
[01:51] michael : but men dont ride into hell for a damsel in distress they cant see in it
[01:52] michael: stop going nuts around him about loosing him
[01:52] claire: tahts because i hiude everything
[01:52] claire: im fucking scare shittless of letting people in
[01:52] michael : if u want to cling to him cling to him just dont cling to him and say i cant let u leave i cant live if u leave
[01:52] claire: even my own damn mother and father dont know the real me
[01:52] michael: then let them
[01:52] michael : is ur father a good man?
[01:53] claire: yes but nothing hurts me more than disappointing him, hurting him, or seeing him cry like he did when grandpa died or when he had to go to the group counseling sessions for my psych ward visit, and the sessions with my counseler
[01:53] claire: to be honest, i dont think anyone should "ride into hell" for me
[01:53] claire: really
[01:54] claire: i doubt im even worth it anymore
[01:54] claire: i
[01:54] claire: ...
[01:54] michael: yes you are
[01:54] claire: I don't even know who i am anymore...
[01:54] michael : im not listening to ur doubts
[01:54] claire: *starts to cry*
[01:54] michael : u are worht it
[01:54] michael : because u wont think abt who u are u just thinkg about anything bad u can
[01:55] claire: its like this beast is keeping me down you know?
[01:55] michael: when i talk to him and when i tell him i hope he reacts appropriately and if he does u cant do any of ur i dont know i dont think i can i dont think im worth it it shit with him
[01:55] michael : yes i know
[01:55] claire: like i cant fight back at all anymore likei was able to before...
[01:55] claire: *continues to cry*(
[01:55] michael : if he steps up like a man and gives u the order stop worrying ur mine u listen understand?
[01:56] claire: i dont even know... the only way i will know is if it happens
[01:56] claire: i cant predict the future
[01:56] claire: let alone how im gonna react anymore
[01:56] michael : no but its what u want and need when it happens u cant decide
[01:56] michael : u can accept what u need
[01:56] michael : or u can sabotage it
[01:56] michael : and it wont be any person any man to blame anyone to blame no 'gods' to curse
[01:56] claire: but i need so much
[01:56] michael : just u
[01:56] claire: i dont think anyones willing to give me what i need
[01:57] michael : u feel u need so mnuch u just need to be told and accept it
[01:57] claire: i dont need to be told, i need to be told and showed...
[01:57] michael : hes the one u've opened up to so he needs to be theman and tell u how ur gonna be and u need to be the good girl and listen
[01:57] claire: i need the evidence in order to believe
[01:57]claire: i need to hear it every fucking day
[01:57] michael: ull have tog o on faith and not smother him until hes able ot be there in person with u if u do want it
[01:57] claire: thats how i am
[01:58] claire: i doubt that much
[01:58] claire: i question that much
[01:58]claire: i worry that much
[01:58] michael : ur gonna need to go on some faith do u understand?
[01:58] claire: all because some fucking jack ass boy went and broke my heart after i truely learned how to accept another whuman being for who they truely were, to see past faults and love them to the core...
[01:59] claire: i have no faith in humanity anymore
[01:59] michael : dont sau u fear ull need tomuch admit the core of i
[01:59] michael: it&
[01:59] michael : not in humanity
[01:59] michael : in him
[01:59] michael : if he steps up to bethe man ull have to have somef aith in what he says until hes able to be ther einp erson
[01:59] claire: they lost that long ago, im an environmentalist, an animal lover, the only people i have faith in arent even people
[01:59] michael : say it
[01:59] michael: say u will
[01:59] claire: say i will what?
[02:00] michael : say u will have faith in him, nothing else no bullshit reasons excuses fears phobias concerns desires etc etc nothing but if he ssteps up as ur man u will have faith in it until ehes ther ein person and u wont smother him
[02:01] claire: but im already smothering him.... probably...
[02:01] michael : thats why u need to stop now, u went on with the bullshit again the shit that pushes people away
[02:01] claire: its so hard to let go
[02:01] michael : stop it and say what i told u to
[02:01] michael : stop it and say what i told u to
[02:01] claire: what that i will have faith?
[02:02] michael : however u want to put it, that u will not somther him with all ur bullshit from the past that u wont pester him with pairnoias
[02:02] michael: that u wont push im away and shut him out with all the constant whining abt the past
[02:02] claire: you know its so hard... so much of me wants to have this faith nad believe everything he says...
[02:02] claire: BUT MY FUCKING MINDE\
[02:02] claire: keeps butting in and saying NO
[02:02] claire: when my fucking heart is saying yes
[02:02] michael: well dont listen to it
[02:03] claire: its sooooo hard
[02:03] michael : just tell it to shut the fuck up
[02:03] claire: i....
[02:03] michael: u are the only thing stopping urself from getting better
[02:03]claire: just dont want to make the same mistakes anymore....
[02:03] michael: then stop blaming urself for ur past mistakes
[02:03] michael : and make a resolve not to repeat them
[02:04] michael lane: say it, say it out loud until ur not afraid of it
[02:04] michael lane: and i mean it litterally repeat it until ur not afraid to say it
[02:04] claire: i dont know if i can
[02:04] michael lane: i mean it litterally repeat it until ur not afraid to say it now
[02:05] claire: ...heres where i make a stupid smart ass comment about how i cant because i will wake my parents up
[02:05] claire: XD
[02:05] claire: sorry.
[02:05] michael: *smacks* dont have to say it loud they cant hear a thimbul drop say it low but say out aloud movfve ur lips make the words
[02:06] claire: ...you dont know my mother...
[02:06] claire: XDDDDDD
[02:06] michael : stop makgin excuses
[02:06] claire: seriously that women can hear anything at night
[02:06] claire: NO SERIOUS!
[02:06] claire: she doesnt enter rem, so shes very easily stirred
[02:06] michael : then go somewhere she wont hear u but u need to say it just like a drunk needing to admit their a alcoholic before they can stop being one
[02:06] michael: until u say the words
[02:06] michael: it wont stop
[02:06] claire: im not bsing it or making an excuse, im just saying that i cant say it righjt now
[02:06] claire: >.>
[02:07] michael: all the therapy the drugs all that stuff is just to get u to the point where u can admit it
[02:07] michael: well u have to say it sometime
[02:07] clairei: i know
[02:07] michael : 'i have a problem and i want to make it better"
[02:07]claire: my common sense is returning, and im going WTF why are we discussing this?
[02:07] clairei: im not an AA member
[02:07] claire: >.>
[02:08]clairei: I'm claire and I'm an alchoholic!
[02:08] claire: XD
[02:08] claire: sorrrrrry
[02:08] claire: im turning into a jackass
[02:08] michael: your not addicted to alcohol but pairnoia and fear and guilt and depression it is addicting when ur sad u dont want to be happy
[02:08] claire: im just tired of cheering myself up...
[02:08] michael : well ur not i am
[02:09] claire: really tired of it
[02:09] claire: ?
[02:09] claire: jhaha did you just say youre tired of trying to cheer me up?
[02:09] clairei: XD
[02:09] sclairei: sorry.... but if so... 9o laughed?
[02:09] clairei: ^i
[02:10] michael : i've wanted to smack u silly for some time now yes
but no need to get anyone turned on [02:10] claire: im starting to feel better finally
[02:10] claire: >.>
[02:10] michael : im the one cheering u up this time not u
[02:10] claire: that doesnt turn me on
[02:10] michael : lolu said ur turned on by pain
[02:10] claire: it turns me off in fact
[02:10] claire: not that kind of pain
[02:10] claire: i said i was weird...
[02:10] claire: >.>
[02:11] michael: and, you said u liked pain that u were a massochist
[02:11] claire: I cant garuntee anything... but I will try my best to have faith in him....
[02:11] michael lane: *hugs* thanks
[02:11] claire: i think i should go to bed now...
[02:11] claire: i've probably caused you to pull out all your hair by now...
[02:12] michael : lol no just urs
[02:12] michael: lol
[02:12] clairei: its funny but i've had more serious convos with you than any of my irl friends...
[02:12] michael: sleep well
[02:12] clairei: and i have never even met you
[02:12] michael: aww ^ - ^
[02:12] michael: well its a habbit people have around me
[02:12] claire: its just strange ne?
[02:12] clairei: what?
[02:12] michael: this isnt the first time
[02:12]claire: going into the dark moods?
[02:12] michael: no
[02:12] michael: people opening up to me like that
[02:12] claire: [people do that to me, im always the listener...
[02:12] claire: i never get the chance to speak
[02:13] michael: people have told me that how suprisd they were to tell me things they never told anyone else before stuff
[02:13] michael lane: hehe *huggies*
[02:13] claire: o.O *gets hugged, still recovering, and in that " i dont really thin i want to be touched right now" mode*\
[02:13] michael : ok
[02:14] claire: im gonna go now...
[02:14] claire: i should be able to sleep now...
[02:14] michael : im sorry
[02:14] michael : good
[02:14] claire: night michael....
[02:14] claire: and
[02:14] claire: urm...
[02:15] clairer: *pokes her index fingers together and averts her eyes*
[02:15] claire: urm... thanks
[02:15] michael : hehe of course claire ^ - ^
[02:15] claire: night
[02:15] michael: night
And all I have left to say now is:
And you think you might be fucked up?!?!?!!
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